Silly Little Jokes

[HeReTiC]

When describing an ugly woman.:

"looks like she's been dragged through a burning push and put out with a bike chain"

[Jay]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

[Jay]

I went to my first Muslim birthday party today!

Musical chairs was a bit slow... but **** me, pass the parcel was fast!

[poonda]

After getting all Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo ~ and he doesn't travel light! ~ the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets into the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver's worst fears are swiftly realised: exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my lord, I'm gonna lose my licence," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. The cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," says the cop.

The Chief exclaims, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean REALLY important," says the cop.

The Chief asks, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Well, who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!"